Sarah’s Story
My brother died on November 30, 2018. Never in a million years did I think my brother would die before our children were grown and we were old, very old. Ya know, the way it’s supposed to happen. I was at work, extending my maternity leave. My mom called twice. I didn’t answer. She texted me that something very bad had happened and I needed to call immediately. I called and she delivered the news, “Andrew’s plane crashed.” That’s all she knew. My brain was in shock but my body started moving. I ran out of the building and got into my van as quickly as possible. I started driving towards the airport. I did what I always do… made a plan. All within a few minutes, I arranged for my best friend to pick up my daughter from preschool, told my mom I would meet her where his plane crashed (fully expecting to follow the ambulance to the hospital), and called my husband to fill him in on what was going on. Don’t get me wrong, I was hysterical inside and out. However, I held on to the hope that my brother was alive. I specifically remember begging God for him to be alive, even if he didn’t have arms and legs. Little did I know my brother had been dead for at least an hour.
The events that unfolded over the next few hours provoked more pain within me than I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
I would describe it as deep anguish. It’s somewhat of a blur, yet each little memory will be forever etched in mind. Watching my mom pull into the driveway, fall out of the car, and literally claw at the concrete repeatedly saying, “Don’t let it be so”. Watching my dad shake violently as he processed what happened. Crying with my sister in law on facetime. Talking to police, my brother’s coworker, and finally the coroner. How was this my new reality? He’s my only sibling who was honestly more like my twin. How? Just the previous night he was in my home eating chili and dancing to Gangnam Style with my five year old, Emma. How was this happening??? My life had changed drastically in a matter of hours. Over the next few days, we lived out what felt like hell on Earth. Each day, our new reality settled in a little bit more. Memorial arrangements, seeing my brother’s name on the news, explaining to my daughter what had happened to her Uncle Drew Drew, watching my nephew run to the door yelling, “Daddy!” when the doorbell rang. The day of the crash, I immediately knew we were going to need support and help from people who had experienced tragedy. About a year before the accident, I had started listening to the Nothing is Wasted podcast. I reached out to Davey and Kristi and asked them for advice. I reached out to Brittany Brooker, who had told her story of losing her husband tragically on the podcast. I reached out to my friend that had lost her brother a few years back.
God kept bringing to mind stories of hope. Stories that started with tragedy but didn’t end that way. Was there pain in these stories? Of course. But I knew there was hope.
The days that followed, turned into months, and now it’s been a year. Over the past year, God has worked in my heart and I have drawn closer to him than I have ever been. I know that God didn’t cause my brother’s plane to crash, but he did allow it to happen. I couldn’t and still don’t understand why. Right after the accident, I would drop my daughter off at school, come home and read my bible, listen to music, and pray. I asked God how we were supposed to live with such a huge part of our family missing. A word kept coming to mind- perspective. I could believe that God had betrayed me or I could believe that He would carry me through this awful time because He loves me. Erica, my sister in law, and I had the opportunity to spend the weekend with Davey and Kristi. Davey shared a perspective about the verse, Jesus wept. We know from the bible that Jesus loved Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha. In John, it tells us that Lazarus was sick. Mary and Martha sent the news to Jesus but He didn’t come right away. He waited and Lazarus died. When Jesus did come, Mary and Martha told Jesus if you would have been here our brother would not have died. They were weeping. And Jesus wept. Davey shared that Jesus wept because he cares for his people deeply. In Deuteronomy 31:6, it says, “He will never leave us nor forsake us.” In Psalms 34:18 it says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
One way God has shown me that he loves me is through His people.
Throughout the past year, there are countless stories of God’s love being shown to me and my family. Cards, texts, phone calls, flowers, prayers, food and so much more. Another perspective I feel like he laid on my heart is my perspective on my memories with my brother and the time I had with him. I can focus and dwell on all the things I lost on November 30. And honestly, there is a place for that, however I can’t get stuck there. I have chosen to be grateful for the things God allowed me to experience with my brother in our 31 years together. I have countless memories and experiences that I will forever cherish. Finally, God reminded me of my perspective on life. Life here on Earth can feel so long, yet it truly is so short (James 4:14). In college, Andrew and I were in a college ministry together. One night, the lesson was on eternity. The speaker took a string and stretched it from corner to corner in the room. Then he chewed up a piece of gum and placed it on the string. The string is eternity, the gum is our life here on Earth. When I live life with this perspective fresh on my mind, it truly changes things. My brother left an impact on many. I am so thankful for the memories I have with my brother.
When this trial feels too heavy to bare, I am reminded that my hope is in Jesus. Our life here on Earth is short- I know now more than ever that tomorrow is not promised. I want to be faithful and make every single day count.
There is nothing more comforting to me than knowing my brother is with Jesus and I will see him again. I know God has not and will not waste this pain.