Pam’s Story
When you go on a mission trip you expect to come home, unpack, sleep in your own bed and return to your routine. The day after my husband and I returned from our 8th mission trip to Costa Rica, I stepped out of the room and found him taking his last breath. After calling 911, texting my two adult children and going to the hospital, I was ushered into the ER and given the words, "he's gone". The word "tsunami" comes to mind as my world came crashing down. How can he be gone? He was just here. We were supposed to go to lunch. I was speechless, devastated, numb, and totally blindsided.
In the midst of my worst nightmare, I saw glimpses of God's tender mercies.
The chaplain that was on duty that day was a gentle, kind man that prayed with us. His accent indicated he was Hispanic. When I inquired and asked where he was from, he said Costa Rica. Only God could see fit that there would be a representative from the country that my husband loved so much who stood and prayed with us. The next morning, after a sleepless night, I wrote in my journal and tried to pray. The next few days were spent planning a memorial service where we honored my husband of 36 years with reflections of a life well lived, serving God, loving his family and giving to others. The following days were hazy and painful, as I trudged through the sorrow and grief. Yet every morning I would look to the Psalms as a way to express my pain through lamenting and discovered one more thing to be grateful for.
This merging of gratefulness and grief were beginning to come together as I put a pen to paper to find one thing to be thankful for.
As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I had counseled clients through the grief process according to the stages from my graduate school training. However, walking through it now, myself, there was no roadmap or GPS. I began seeing my own therapist on a weekly basis, where I could process the trauma of suddenly losing your spouse. The first thing addressed were my symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - disorientation, anxiety, overwhelmingness and fear. My first experience was at Costco , where I could barely get out of the store after going around the perimeter, to get what I needed. My husband and I would frequent Costco weekly and my first trip by myself was excruciating.
Finding hope and peace from God's Word became like my own personal oxygen tank.
As I read and wept, verses like Psalm 56:8, "Put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" came alive. Listening to worship music and being in the Word, I was finding God faithful to carry me through the first months of surviving the sudden loss of my husband. At first, I was unable to put words to the depth of pain, so I began taking pictures and posting them to Instagram with a verse, quote or thought as a way to process more what I was feeling and to let people know how I was doing. In each post, I began to see how I could be thankful, while in the midst of my sorrow. Pain and peace were finding a shared space.
January 16, 2020, was the 2 year anniversary of my husband's death. My life is completely different than I ever imagined or expected. I have experienced God's unfailing promises to be completely true. He is absolutely faithful.
God is with me. God sees me, hears me, knows me, loves me and tenderly guides and guards me.
I have been given opportunities to share my journey with other women who have experienced the loss of their husbands. Last November, I was able to speak at the American Association of Christian Counselors national conference, where I was able to offer hope and strategies for other therapists and pastors as they minister to those who have suffered the loss of a loved one. In addition, I have created a website and blog (www.gratefulyetgrieving.org) and am now writing a book on Life after Loss. This past year I had the opportunity to lead a GriefShare group at my church. Trusting God when you don't understand, have no clue and suffer greatly is a journey of discovering the depth of love, grace and reality of God's promises.