Kris’ Story
My story begins at a “Gifts and Talents” class at my church in 2008. I remember the speaker of the class talking about our gifts and how we can use our experiences to help others. The next five words he spoke was the beginning of total heart break. “God Never Wastes a Hurt.” I cannot tell you anything else that was said during that class. I started weeping. This question pressed on my heart: “How can you help anyone when you cannot even help yourself? “
Childhood memories flashed in my mind and the sins of my life made me feel heavy and shameful. When I was 11 years old I was molested for the first time. I did not think it was wrong; I just thought it was the way for someone to show affection towards me. By the age of 14 years old, I was no longer a virgin. I had this warped concept about sex. I wanted control over my body and not others to have control over it so I choose to be promiscuous. My self-worth was found in males by what they thought of me or if I was beautiful enough for them. Promiscuity began a vicious cycle of my own destruction that I did not know how to control. I held my secrets deep inside my soul.
My relationship with God at this time was nonexistent. Like many others, I went to church every Sunday and heard and learned about God, but did not have a relationship with him.
At 19 years old, I met the man of my dreams. We dated from a distance for three months and then got married before he went to the Gulf War. After his return from Kuwait life was great. We were living the American dream. In 1993, we had a handsome perfect son. I had a baby to care for and protect and I could not have been happier.
But my marriage quickly started to change when my husband took a job in recruiting. He wanted to be the Recruiter of the Year. He was devoting more time to achieving that goal than being part of our young family. He came home late many nights and his drinking seemed to take priority over our already limited time as a couple. The leader of OUR family that I was desperate to lean on was nowhere to be seen. My loneliness was rearing its ugly head inside me. We were not going to church and I did not hang out with any friends that were speaking Godly counsel into my life. I was purely living for self-fulfillment, stuffing my void with anything but God.
I was having chronic pain and went to my family doctor for help. He listened to me. He seemed generally concerned and took the time to medically research and order testing to find out what was wrong with me. He asked for my email address at one visit and told me he would email me with some articles concerning the disease he thought I had. A simple email started conversations. Inappropriate conversations. Both of us exposed to one another that we’d been thinking about each other in a much more personal way. This man was no longer just my doctor. He was much more. He gave me words of affirmation I was unknowingly craving to hear.
Although the relationship was brief as we both were moving to different states through military transfer order, the damage was done.
Feeling like it was time to try to stand on my own two feet; I decided to go back to college to pursue nursing. Even though Chad and I were co-existing, I knew our marriage was volatile. He was working and I was going to school. He had his goals. I had mine. There was no joint partnership or acknowledgement of the real turmoil I was experiencing. Midway through my last year of college, I told Chad I wanted a divorce. I knew he was more married to the military and I felt like I would finally be able to support myself and our son on my own if I had to. To my surprise, Chad did not agree to divorce me and he resigned from the military after 13 years of service. We moved to South Carolina to try to make a new start with life.
Things seemed amazing at first. We started going to church at my request. I started to consume myself with business and Mission trips but Chad and I were not working on the problems in our marriage and I did not seek a real connection with Christ. I was just filling my time to stay busy. Satan knew my weakness. Another man courted me and the attention I was seeking was being filled again. I convinced myself that I deserved to be happy and without addressing the real issues. I asked for a separation. I left my husband and my son. I was convinced this other man was going to make me happy and I was ready to tackle a new life. It didn’t take me long to realize I was now even MORE miserable.
God gave me this deep heaviness. I had enough self-awareness that this was God telling me I needed to go home. I asked Chad if I could come home and he said yes, home is where you belong.
This brings me back to the beginning of my story. Me sitting in a church class thinking that I cannot help anyone if I cannot even help myself. I reached out to the pastor through email and told him I was unable to finish the class. For the first time in my life I was going to unload all of my secrets. In a loving but stern way he replied to my email full of wisdom. I did not like his words..he said that I needed help.
I finally built up enough courage to see a Christian counselor. The journey to redemption began.
I learned that sex equaled affection for me. It was easier for me to have sex with someone that I did not have an emotional attachment to. I learned how Satan preyed and would insert himself through my weaknesses. If you do not know your weaknesses you cannot armor yourself against them. After months of counseling, I felt the healing begin in my heart. I felt God was preparing me for something big. God needed me to be healthy mind, body, and spirit because devastation was soon to hit my family.
Chad was riding his motorcycle to work one morning and unfortunately, a car pulled out in front of him and his leg took the impact from the car. His leg was ripped apart and he was airlifted to the hospital. In the emergency room, Chad let me know he was so glad I was there with him.
At that moment the ice broke between us.
Chad will tell you that I was his light, encourager and the person that led him to have a relationship with God. The doctors put Chad’s leg back together with plates and screws. He would go on to have several surgeries and it was uncertain if he would ever walk again. He spent 2 years in a wheelchair and during that time, I prayed to God to bring Godly men into his life. God answered my prayer by bringing him our pastor. We were able to lean on one another and strengthen our relationship with one another through our relationship with God. We became part of a church plant. Both of our lives became transformed by Jesus and those he placed around us. God orchestrated us with the best tools possible for redemption. People, who loved, respected, and accepted us for who we were and who we were becoming.
My life is not miraculously perfect, but God has shown me he can take that which is broken and restore and make it new again. GOD NEVER WASTES MY HURT.
This is the scripture I clung to: